Rewritting first scene- script day 5

 Today I worked on the rewrites, and it was I am very satisfied with the results.

 Here it is-

Starts with an establishing shot which shows a bottle (presumed alcoholic) at the edge of a roof. The shot shows the side of the person sitting on the ledge with the bottle. He picks it up and drinks. Then an asynchouros voice is heard

Darren: so, this is where you plan to do it?

Musa: (gulps)good place as any.

Then the camera pans to the right showing a bit more of the background. There is another person visible now but it still is blurry.

Darren: well then why are you hesitating?

Musa: it’s complicated.

Darren: I guess.

Camera switches shot to show the side of Musa. Medium shot.

Darren: you know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without that bottle in your hand.

Musa: is that right?

Then the camera angles switches to a low angle wide shot showing them from above sitting on the ledge of the roof.

Darren: the buzz did you make you fun, but it made you even more of an ass. Probably why I cut you off. And, also why it affected every other aspect of your life.

Cut to side angle of Musa again.

Darren: Like your job, family, even with her-

Musa: don’t. (drinks then throws the bottle)

Darren: (giggles) oh that struck a nerve.

Broken bottle is shown. Then, match cuts to an unbroken bottle, the place looks like a living room of an apartment then camera switches to show the front of Musa situated in the left of the screen, with a woman behind her situated more on the right. The camera is a medium shot.

Now the original

Starts with an establishing shot which shows a person sitting on the edge of a roof. The shot shows the back of the person. Then it cuts to a medium shot of the person, the camera pans to the left to show another person.

Darren: so, this is where you plan to do it? (the audio is asynchronous, able to be heard but can not see where the source of the sound is)

Musa: good place as any.

Then the camera pans to the right showing a bit more of the background. There is another person visible now but it still is blurry.

Darren: well then why are you hesitating?

Musa: it’s complicated.

Darren: what’s complicated about it?

The camera then shows the front of the two, positioned low angle now, with a wide shot.

Darren: You jump of the roof, reach the ground in about 3 seconds and then your brain splatters across the concrete floor.

Darren pauses and Musa stays silent.

Darren: Or you could walk away from this and continue your miserable life.

Musa stays silent.

Darren: still difficult to decide huh, then let me show you the reasons.

 Cuts to another location, it looks like a living room of an apartment. Where Musa front is shown situated in the left of the scene of the screen, with a woman behind her situated more on the right. The camera is a medium shot.

I removed the chunk where they were talking about suicide by jumping, I thought this was not subtle and I believe the audience would be smart enough to understand the context of the first few lines between them. The subtext. I replace the removed dialogue with something that would enhance the scene. The added content shows the relationship between Musa and Darren and their playful dialogue which now sounds more like a real conversation.